Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Monday, August 27, 2012
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Dragon's Den Pitch: The shusher.
From: "Gary Bargunckle" <garybargunckle@gmail.com>
To: "Gary Bargunckle" <garybargunckle@gmail.com>
Subject:
Date: Fri, May 18, 2012 14:41
Gary,
Find below the script for attempt at Dragon's Den. Proper excited. Speak soon.
=========
Hello dragons, today I would like to introduce you to an idea that will revolutionise bedtime [touch fingertips in a pyramid and shake pyramid rhythmically in time with words to emphasise their power].
[approach dragons excitedly, exuding a positive energy, and then slowly recede as if regaining composure]
If you look at the average bedside table you will find a lamp, an alarm clock, and perhaps some tissues. Or even, sometimes, a novella [pick up props in turn]. These each bring the sleeper a certain something - radiance, alarm, relief, entertainment. But none of them engender comfort [clench fist and then release it softly and slowly. Sweat and smile].
To address this gaping hole in the market, my partner and I [invent partner to throw dragons off scent] have produced.... the Shusher(tm, (c), PLC). The shusher is an effin' revolution [actually swear]. I am sorry for swearing, but it really is an effin' revolution - not just a normal revolution. No, it isn't actually to do with effin' (sex) [laugh with dragons] but it is to do with comfort. [get serious now]
Have you ever woken up from a nightmare in which everything is horrible? - like maybe you have finally got a playstation, but whenever you turn it on it just makes the noise of a child being rolled around? This is the nightmare situation. And waking from this is also a nightmare (but not a real nightmare, now you are awake, unless it is one of those nightmares where you think you are awake, but you're not, but that is not what this is, so you are definitely awake). You awake and you feel shattered like a pane of glass of pain. The shusher is designed to gently combat this and make you feel all tickety-boo. And it does this by making this noise... [demonstrate shusher - wait for any adversely affected dragons to be attended to/replaced before continuing].
We have spent five years developing this noise. It is truly unique. It's creation is a secret, but I can tell you that it involves higher harmonics generated from chirped laser pulses and their consequent interaction with a mineral previously unknown to mankind (which was discovered by James Cameron during his awful descent into the Mariana Trench). Many finely balanced elements are necessary for it's construction, and a failure to adhere to this recipe exactly results in something much, much.... worse. A similar noise has been described variously in early Mesopotamian texts, and is believed to feature in the early dreamtime folklore of Aboriginal cultures. But never before has it been physically realised on our plane of existence. In fact, this 'noise' does not only interact with the mind via soundwaves, but also through an interaction not yet entirely understood. I believe you will agree that its soothing effect is unspeakable. Deborah, you look delighted.
We began by testing the product on ourselves with minimal side-effects, and have since trialled the product with children outside schools and adults inside schools, and on many others. We have found that in some case the shusher may cause internal bleeding in the frontal lobe, and degeneration of the whole cortex. But this has so far been localised to people who we also found to be quite unlikeable.
We are asking you for an investment of £100,000 for a 20% stake in our company. We intend to use your money for all sorts of shenanigans. We can make the shusher more or less dangerous dependent on market forces.
Although we do not have any previous sales records for this product, the shusher is dangerous, and you should not trust us with it alone.
We would now like to take any questions you may have.
[gradually increase shusher amplitude]
To: "Gary Bargunckle" <garybargunckle@gmail.com>
Subject:
Date: Fri, May 18, 2012 14:41
Gary,
Find below the script for attempt at Dragon's Den. Proper excited. Speak soon.
=========
Hello dragons, today I would like to introduce you to an idea that will revolutionise bedtime [touch fingertips in a pyramid and shake pyramid rhythmically in time with words to emphasise their power].
[approach dragons excitedly, exuding a positive energy, and then slowly recede as if regaining composure]
If you look at the average bedside table you will find a lamp, an alarm clock, and perhaps some tissues. Or even, sometimes, a novella [pick up props in turn]. These each bring the sleeper a certain something - radiance, alarm, relief, entertainment. But none of them engender comfort [clench fist and then release it softly and slowly. Sweat and smile].
To address this gaping hole in the market, my partner and I [invent partner to throw dragons off scent] have produced.... the Shusher(tm, (c), PLC). The shusher is an effin' revolution [actually swear]. I am sorry for swearing, but it really is an effin' revolution - not just a normal revolution. No, it isn't actually to do with effin' (sex) [laugh with dragons] but it is to do with comfort. [get serious now]
Have you ever woken up from a nightmare in which everything is horrible? - like maybe you have finally got a playstation, but whenever you turn it on it just makes the noise of a child being rolled around? This is the nightmare situation. And waking from this is also a nightmare (but not a real nightmare, now you are awake, unless it is one of those nightmares where you think you are awake, but you're not, but that is not what this is, so you are definitely awake). You awake and you feel shattered like a pane of glass of pain. The shusher is designed to gently combat this and make you feel all tickety-boo. And it does this by making this noise... [demonstrate shusher - wait for any adversely affected dragons to be attended to/replaced before continuing].
We have spent five years developing this noise. It is truly unique. It's creation is a secret, but I can tell you that it involves higher harmonics generated from chirped laser pulses and their consequent interaction with a mineral previously unknown to mankind (which was discovered by James Cameron during his awful descent into the Mariana Trench). Many finely balanced elements are necessary for it's construction, and a failure to adhere to this recipe exactly results in something much, much.... worse. A similar noise has been described variously in early Mesopotamian texts, and is believed to feature in the early dreamtime folklore of Aboriginal cultures. But never before has it been physically realised on our plane of existence. In fact, this 'noise' does not only interact with the mind via soundwaves, but also through an interaction not yet entirely understood. I believe you will agree that its soothing effect is unspeakable. Deborah, you look delighted.
We began by testing the product on ourselves with minimal side-effects, and have since trialled the product with children outside schools and adults inside schools, and on many others. We have found that in some case the shusher may cause internal bleeding in the frontal lobe, and degeneration of the whole cortex. But this has so far been localised to people who we also found to be quite unlikeable.
We are asking you for an investment of £100,000 for a 20% stake in our company. We intend to use your money for all sorts of shenanigans. We can make the shusher more or less dangerous dependent on market forces.
Although we do not have any previous sales records for this product, the shusher is dangerous, and you should not trust us with it alone.
We would now like to take any questions you may have.
[gradually increase shusher amplitude]
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